A moment of weakness

22 Sep

struggleI really need to take some photos instead of using random bits from the web.

I’m tired. Truly tired. I’ve just realised why I love working so much. It takes me out of myself and gives me a break from the incessant thoughts that are running havoc through my mind. I’m so tired of looking at it and trying to decide if it looks better or worse than yesterday. I’m tired of the constant research, looking for the next ‘magic pill’ or having to decide whether x is good for me or bad for me or only good under certain circumstances or measured quantities.

Heading to the kitchen for another lunch of sweet potato and broccoli – thank goodness I love eating those – I broke down. It’s moments like these when I almost want to go to the doctors and just let them do their thing. At least all the decision-making and responsibility will be taken out of my hands. I know that is why people do it. It’s just so much easier to let someone take over. Oh to have someone who can do that… a bit like the motherly neighbour who bustles in with a “Never mind love, let me do it.”  The trouble with that is that I’d then feel guilty and, you know, guilt is another sick-creator. Positive is healing. Negative is a downward spiral that ends in hospital wards.

Not to worry. I’ll be over this soon, the mood, that is. The rest? I don’t know.

“The more you ask how far you have to go, the longer your journey seems”

which reminds me of a blog I wrote a time ago and a lesson learnt on a hot walk in Mossel Bay. I can’t find the blog now and more’s the pity. I could do with that lesson. In a nutshell, I was carrying a number of bags on a long walk and the woman with me (who was carrying far more) said that the faster we walk, the quicker we’d get there and be able to rest. It was far more profound and memorable than the way I’ve managed to put it here, but you get the idea.

I did, however, while hunting for the blog I was after, find this…

"We’re a quarter of the way through the year. I’m pretty much half-way through my life. In terms of my dreams and goals, the clock is ticking – very loudly. My life so far has been one of revving engines, tyres spinning in mud, occasionally moving a few inches ahead, even more occasionally moving ahead by a couple of feet – very often just sinking further into the mire.

My tendency to find humour in life has been a survival tactic. If I don’t, the misery and, yes, bitterness may just swallow me up. Like many take a pill against what ails them, I take smiles, laughter and positive snippets daily, sometimes hourly. It’s my ‘silver bullet’ against melancholy."

It seems, though my life has changed beyond recognition… there are some things that never change :)


Posted by on September 22, 2014 in cancer, rant


Tags: , , , , ,

10 responses to “A moment of weakness

  1. Michelle Crowsfeet

    September 22, 2014 at 3:27 pm

    (((hug))) My dad and I fall into the slow down category. We cannot go faster. My mother leaves us… on walks, in supermarkets, etc. We amble, she strides off. Even now, on crutches (back trouble) she still walks faster than me!

    So my take on walking a route with heavy baggage would be, “Take it gently and enjoy the scenery.” Splash in more moon puddles. ;-)

    • tintalasia

      September 22, 2014 at 5:34 pm

      I’m definitely in the ‘slow and steady’ category. I was teased about that at school too. Trouble is, I’m afraid that ‘slow’ may cause my drowning if I spend too long in the mud. But, then again, thrashing around causes sinking in quicksand. Thanks, my friend… I appreciate this. I think I’ll find myself some moonpuddles tonight :)

  2. foxberryjule

    September 22, 2014 at 6:50 pm

    I like that…moon puddles.
    Tint, you are at war. If I know anything about you, you’re a bulldog when you know you’re right.
    You will take this blip in stride, splash in a few moon puddles, maybe terrorize the dish cupboard then go on.

    Meanwhile ….hugs and silly hats are the thing.

    Hugs from the old farm . Yes, still here. It’s the hats I tell you!

    • tintalasia

      September 23, 2014 at 10:52 pm

      haha! I do love bull dogs ;) I rather like the idea of terrorising the dish cupboard. Oh I miss you, my friend and hats are good. I was playing hats the other day. Some sort of telepathic connection? Would love to visit you on the old farm :)

      • foxberryjule

        December 17, 2016 at 5:44 pm

        Hats and dogs and a grandson. Life is good. Better if I didn’t work so much.I do hope you get this so I can wish you a very happy Christmas! The farm is still standing….barely. Grin! Things may come to rights there real soon. Just finished certification for nursing. Looking more school and a position in elder care.

        Please email me with family updates. I think of you often.

  3. Tatiana

    September 23, 2014 at 1:41 am

    *Bear hugs* I wish I could be there for you now. This thing is going away and you’re doing amazingly. I’m still so proud of you. I love you so much, and I know everyone else loves you too. I know it doesn’t mean much on days like this, but we’re all here for you as moral support. Maybe it’s like weight loss? Weigh once a month instead of every day (a bit different, but you know what I mean)?

    • tintalasia

      September 23, 2014 at 10:49 pm

      It means the world to me <3 and yes, I'm taking your advice (you can gloat later). I'll stop the constant checking of progress. Love you!

      • Tatiana

        October 7, 2014 at 10:40 am

        *gloat, gloat

  4. Solaris

    October 4, 2014 at 9:20 am

    You’re the least negative person I know. Give yourself a break and just allow yourself to trough a little, knowing that you’ll rise to new peaks when you defeat your current situation, as you will.

    • tintalasia

      October 5, 2014 at 6:37 pm

      That is a comforting thought, Nigel. Huge thanks for the vote of confidence!


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