Traitorous actions

28 Sep

I feel like a traitor…. to myself and all I believe in. While I’m not comfortable with my latest actions, I’ve made my peace with them – for now. On Friday, two days after my visit to a very persuasive surgeon, I caved and took my first Tamoxifen. I was not struck by lightning. Neither did I break out in hives.


I do, however, feel as though I’ve crossed to ‘the dark side’.

Mr C, my surgeon, spent a lot of impassioned time telling me that I was taking grave risks with my health. He said that if I were to agree, he’d have me on the cutting table by the next morning. He wanted to know if I was seeing some other practitioner. I knew what he meant by ‘practitioner’ and that he was imagining voodoo just by the way he said it. I came very close to telling him I was seeing a witch doctor just to see his reaction. Two things here… first, I’m not in the care of a witch doctor (I just know someone’s going to assume that not knowing my warped sense of humour) and second, I’ve learnt that surgeons don’t have a funny bone, so I quietly snickered to myself and kept my peace. The only way he was going to let me walk out of that hospital with my records was if I agreed to take Tamoxifen.

Tamoxifen is a drug that blocks oestrogen. Oestrogen is the hormone that feeds my cancer. You can read more about it here. I’m not a fan, not even slightly. It is, however, the least ghastly of my ‘conventional’ choices. If Tamoxifen works the way the surgeon wants it to, the cancer will, at the very least, stop growing – something I believe it’s done anyway. The side effects scare me, not the menopause one, but the others. There’s the risk of a blood clot and the risk of the cancer going ‘yippee’ and making the Tamoxifen create the very oestrogen problem it’s trying to resolve, which will mean an even more aggressive cancer. Then there’s the risk of a very aggressive cancer of the uterus in 5 years, which is directly caused by Tamoxifen. This information, by the way, doesn’t come from an ‘alternative’ website, but from the Tamoxifen itself.

So while I’m not happy taking Tamoxifen, I’m only giving it a tiny corner of my life. The rest is dedicated to health-building, nourishing and healing foods, drinks and supplements. I have more supplements now than I care to count, but we’re hitting this thing with All we’ve got. Perhaps, with my will to be healthy, Tamoxifen will only do good and maybe, just maybe, it will do what it’s meant to do and fix at least one part of the complexity that is this cancer.

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Posted by on September 28, 2014 in cancer, healing


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6 responses to “Traitorous actions

  1. Ien in the Kootenays

    September 28, 2014 at 5:56 pm

    Dear Tint, from the get go, be ECLECTIC. Fighting cancer is no way to go all ideological one way or the other. Thank a yew tree, that’s where tamooxifen comes from, as you probably know. Any plant that was sacred to Druids can’t be all bad. Though some people say the only reason for that exalted status was a clever way to conserve a rare tree that was the source of the famous Keltic longbows. We digress. Just keep affirming that your body is able to take from this remedy what it needs, and discard the rest without any harm being done. Blessings!

    • tintalasia

      September 28, 2014 at 10:42 pm

      Eclectic is one way to describe all the treatments I’m taking. Thanks Ien! You have a knack for putting just the right words to work. Actually, I didn’t know that tamoxifen came from yew. I missed that bit in my research. I prefer the idea of making a longbow with the yew, but, for now, I’ll affirm that my body will take what it needs from the drug. Huge thanks and Blessings to you!

  2. Solaris

    September 28, 2014 at 9:20 pm

    You need to find a balance between the medical advice you’re given and your own instincts, I guess. The only traitor we have is our own body. Don’t feel bad about any decisions you make in terms of medication or surgery.

    • tintalasia

      September 29, 2014 at 10:08 pm

      Thanks Nigel :) Balance is a tricky thing, is it not? Ah yes, you’ve touched a nerve there. For so long I’ve viewed my body as a traitor for getting me into this situation in the first place. I’m largely (barring low moments) getting over that now. I don’t know why it’s happened, but I’m fairly sure that I had a large hand in the happenings and that it wasn’t all the fault of my body. This doesn’t make the decisions or second-guessing any easier though :)

      • Solaris

        September 29, 2014 at 10:56 pm

        Balance is a tricky thing, Tint, but if there’s one thing I do know, it’s that guilt saps the energy that’s better channelled into recovery. All our bodies can go rogue on us — best not to question why, nor rue ‘having a hand in the happenings’, but to focus on fighting the rogue xxx :-)

      • tintalasia

        October 3, 2014 at 11:09 pm

        Wise words, Nigel :) Thanks for that!


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