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A window into the darkness

10 Sep

g fa - alone

Some days I don’t need to try and life is good. Some days, it’s all I can do to just get out of bed and feed myself. Other days, with a little effort, I manage just fine and feel better for it. One of my biggest challenges is words. They are swirling in my mind constantly and keep me awake for hours at night, but the moment I try to put pen to paper or keyboard… it’s all gone. Blank. For someone who was a prolific writer and blogger, I now never write. Putting out one sentence for something like Facebook takes monumental effort, so I’m grateful to others who write.

A while ago, I stumbled on a poem by Hannah Nicole that very eloquently describes what I know many are feeling and experiencing.

Depression does not always mean
Beautiful girls shattering at the wrists
A glorified, heroic battle for your sanity
Or mothers that never got the chance to say good-bye

Sometimes depression means
Not getting out of bed for three days
Because your feet refuse to believe
That they will not shatter upon impact with the floor

Sometimes depression means
That summoning the willpower
To go downstairs and do the laundry
Is the most impressive thing you accomplish that week

Sometimes depression means
Lying on the floor staring at the ceiling for hours
Because you cannot convince your body
That it is capable of movement

Sometimes depression means
Not being able to write for weeks
Because the only words you have to offer the world
Are trapped and drowning and I swear to God I’m trying

Sometimes depression means
That every single bone in your body aches
But you have to keep going through the motions
Because you are not allowed to call in to work depressed

Sometimes depression means
Ignoring every phone call for an entire month
Because yes, they have the right number
But you’re not the person they’re looking for, not anymore

And yes, I have been guilty of avoiding answering the phone. I don’t do that anymore, but I’ve been there… when my heart was too full and my mind was dark with no windows to the outside.

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8 Comments

Posted by on September 10, 2015 in life, poetry, thought

 

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8 responses to “A window into the darkness

  1. Llynde

    September 10, 2015 at 12:57 pm

    You get angry. You get depressed. You worry.
    But never let these feelings consume your life.
    You owe it to yourself not to burden your soul
    with sorrows. You have to leave the past
    behind and strive towards happiness.

    -Dodinsky

    I am so thrilled that you have put words to “paper” – more Healing Light for you my dearest friend.
    Don’t know how to change the “sad face” on WordPress!

     
    • tintalasia

      September 10, 2015 at 2:55 pm

      The only way to change the ‘sad face’, I think, is to create a https://en.gravatar.com/ account and upload a pic that suits you. You then sign in here with it and it always shows what you want it to show.

      I’m actually doing well enough today. I have just been meaning to post this for a while, as I know there are many who can relate. It’s a roller coaster though. Love you, my friend!

       
      • Llynde

        September 10, 2015 at 3:38 pm

        Thanks for the gravatar – and emails sent to hotmail for you. Lotsa luv

         
  2. Ien in the Kootenays

    September 11, 2015 at 5:22 am

    This, at least, was beautifully written. After all you have gone through you have every right to be depressed! I would not even call that depression, I would call it grief. I have been so impressed by your resilience, it is good to see you express the darker reality as well. Much love.

     
    • tintalasia

      December 28, 2015 at 1:06 pm

      Ien, I don’t think you realise how much I admire you. You are my mentor on so many levels. Thank you for your support, my friend.

       
  3. Lyagushka (Meirav)

    September 11, 2015 at 7:32 pm

    Even I have times when I just can’t word. (It’s one of the blessings I find in photography – that when I can’t word, I can share a photo just so people know I’m alive on G+.)

    And oh, how well I know the way words can be in your head but disappear as soon as you get the pen and paper out. Happens to me far too often. Very annoying.

    (and yes, I know depression too.)

     
    • tintalasia

      December 28, 2015 at 1:05 pm

      You’re an inspiration, Meirav. I was in a place where I couldn’t even open any form of social media. I haven’t been taking photos either, which, for someone who had a camera permanently fused to her hand for so many years, was a big enough issue to start with. I’m trying (again) to bounce back. We’ll see how that goes. Thanks for the encouragement.

       
      • Lyagushka (Meirav)

        December 28, 2015 at 1:25 pm

        I wish you well with the attempts to bounce back! You’ve been through so much – it’s no wonder you sank into that place for a while! Interaction takes energy. Creativity takes energy. Worth it, but when you’re out of spoons you just can’t.

        Go gently, but I do hope you’ll gradually find your feet again. Or do I mean your voice? :)

         

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