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Muddy waters

28 Dec

As I face the New Year, I feel I’m ready for a new beginning. I know that each new day is a new beginning, but, with what’s gone by this past year or two, I’m thinking that a Big new start is in order. I want to reconnect with all my friends I’ve neglected in my year-long slump and infuse energy into my work and play. This involves a lot of deep work for me. One thing that keeps popping up is the subject of forgiveness. I’m fairly sure there are a slew of people needing to forgive me for wrongs and perceived wrongs. I hope they’ll have the courage to confront me, so that I can apologise and make amends. From my side, there is one huge forgiveness challenge that I know is going to hold me back, but I don’t know if I’m big enough to let it go. Yes, I know forgiveness isn’t about approving of someone’s behaviour, but I’m afraid that forgiving will open me up to more of what the person is capable of handing out.

Jurgis was very involved in doing family research in Lithuania while we were volunteering in Ireland. This was costly, but he considered it well worthwhile. The payback for us was huge and life-changing, but it was also done for other close relatives who had asked for the information. Jurgis, at the time, was desperately trying to rebuild bridges with the relatives in question, as we hadn’t had contact for so many years. One day, he broached the subject of all the bureaucratic costs relating to the research he was doing and suggested the relatives contribute to those costs, as they were also benefitting and we weren’t earning at the time. One relative replied scathingly calling Jurgis a beggar and many other nasty things. Anyone who knew him, knew he’d give the shirt off his back for you. He was heartbroken and confused at her words. My feisty, caring daughter took up defense of her father and got a similar tongue lashing from this relative. I still have those messages saved. Yes… I know…. I shouldn’t, but I do. My suggestion to my little family unit at the time was that we just distance ourselves, which we did, though Jurgis still made weekly international calls to his relative. No one ever called him.

Jurgis died. Funny how death affects people. It wasn’t long after his death when the relative that slung abuse at him added me on Facebook. I have spent this past year ignoring that add. As I’m facing my New Beginning, I’m having to face forgiveness, but I don’t know if I can forgive. I know it’s the right thing to do, but I’m clearly a holder of grudges – not happy to admit that! Oh what to do… what to do?? I know what to do, but am I big enough?

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5 Comments

Posted by on December 28, 2015 in family

 

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5 responses to “Muddy waters

  1. Lyagushka (Meirav)

    December 28, 2015 at 1:52 pm

    It’s not easy to forgive, but you’re the one who is suffering as long as you hold onto this grudge – you’re hurting yourself a lot more than you’re hurting that other person.

    I hope for your sake that you will find a way to let go of this.

     
  2. MC

    December 28, 2015 at 2:00 pm

    I’m struggling with this one in a variation as well. How do you continue after the forgiveness when your heart feels blank?

     
  3. Llynde

    December 28, 2015 at 3:15 pm

    You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe deserve your love and affection.
    Buddha
    You are the strongest lady I know.. with so many gifts that you have shared with your friends around the world. You are now on the path towards Healing.
    Always with hugs and love
    Llynde

     
  4. Ien in the Kootenays

    December 29, 2015 at 1:55 am

    Quite frankly, it seems to me that you have your hands full without worrying about this individual one way or another. Don’t give it energy in any direction. If forgiving happens, fine, if not, also fine. Don’t fret over this as an issue. Just my two cents…..

     
  5. Peter Thomas

    December 29, 2015 at 10:21 am

    An apology makes you better than the person you are apologising to!

     

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