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Category Archives: life

A window into the darkness

g fa - alone

Some days I don’t need to try and life is good. Some days, it’s all I can do to just get out of bed and feed myself. Other days, with a little effort, I manage just fine and feel better for it. One of my biggest challenges is words. They are swirling in my mind constantly and keep me awake for hours at night, but the moment I try to put pen to paper or keyboard… it’s all gone. Blank. For someone who was a prolific writer and blogger, I now never write. Putting out one sentence for something like Facebook takes monumental effort, so I’m grateful to others who write.

A while ago, I stumbled on a poem by Hannah Nicole that very eloquently describes what I know many are feeling and experiencing.

Depression does not always mean
Beautiful girls shattering at the wrists
A glorified, heroic battle for your sanity
Or mothers that never got the chance to say good-bye

Sometimes depression means
Not getting out of bed for three days
Because your feet refuse to believe
That they will not shatter upon impact with the floor

Sometimes depression means
That summoning the willpower
To go downstairs and do the laundry
Is the most impressive thing you accomplish that week

Sometimes depression means
Lying on the floor staring at the ceiling for hours
Because you cannot convince your body
That it is capable of movement

Sometimes depression means
Not being able to write for weeks
Because the only words you have to offer the world
Are trapped and drowning and I swear to God I’m trying

Sometimes depression means
That every single bone in your body aches
But you have to keep going through the motions
Because you are not allowed to call in to work depressed

Sometimes depression means
Ignoring every phone call for an entire month
Because yes, they have the right number
But you’re not the person they’re looking for, not anymore

And yes, I have been guilty of avoiding answering the phone. I don’t do that anymore, but I’ve been there… when my heart was too full and my mind was dark with no windows to the outside.

 
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Posted by on September 10, 2015 in life, poetry, thought

 

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Near perfect

I’ve reached a point now where I can lift my head occasionally and see something truly beautiful, perhaps even laugh a little. Here I sit at the close of a truly wonderful weekend with new, very precious memories to start filling the next chapter of my life…

On Friday, I packed my carrot juice – in retrospect, a really bad move, as it leaked all over my bag, coat and gloves – we loaded up the car and headed out to Freshfield forest following the advice of a good friend. On my trip back to Hemel Hempstead, I had something of a revelation. I realised that the one thing I was missing was my time in the woods. I needed to recharge. I love this place where hills, forest and beach meet and are within easy reach!

I saw my first ever red squirrel!! Sadly, my camera didn’t meet expectations, so I just have a blur that blended with the background, but it was there and terribly cute! Apparently they’re shy critters, but you’d never have guessed from watching this one. I suspect he was too busy taunting the crow to be bothered by our presence.

Freshfield 1

‘Dogs on leads’ is, of course, optional… It was pure doggy paradise!

freshfield 2

Cure for melancholy prescribed by an old friend… Go take a walk in the woods!

freshfield 3

This camera isn’t the best, but for capturing the day, it suffices. I loved the gnarled, weather-beaten woods.

freshfield 4

Windy grasses. It was a glorious day!

freshfield 5

… with random asparagus. Apparently these lands used to be asparagus farms. Ideal soil for it.

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Beautiful wood carvings were to be seen at regular intervals

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Where forest meets beach

freshfield 8

Three guesses as to which way the wind blows

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freshfield 91

Even the snails were huddled together to keep warm. The sun may have been shining, but it was very chilly!

freshfield 92

We ended at a lovely pub for dinner. Thank you to Ste and Tat for making a day with very special memories for me :)

 Yesterday, I took myself off for a treat and had a hour long reiki session, something I’ve promised myself for years. It was pleasant. If it did nothing else, it gave me an hour of much needed nothingness, a time out of the inside of my head.

Today was a day of relaxing and just doing whatever my whim leads me to, which included a box of coloured pencils, a very special and rather spectacular colouring in book, enjoying a feast cooked by the amazing Ste and cooking up a traditional Tomatie Bredie for the kids to enjoy tomorrow.

I have a lot of very important and life-altering decisions to make in the next couple of weeks. I’m grateful for the gift of this weekend.

 
15 Comments

Posted by on January 18, 2015 in life, Nature

 

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Call me Monty

I do love my job. No one day is the same as any other. I love the fabrics I work with and the people… oh, the people!

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Because I work for a company that has a concession inside another company, I wear a badge that differentiates me from the host’s staff. What surprised me is how many people assume that my name is Montgomery. I’ve taken to introducing some humour over it to save people getting embarrassed. "Call me Monty for short," I suggest with a laugh before explaining that my name is Corrianne, "like the spice, coriander." One customer admitted that they did think Montgomery was a very unusual name for a lady.

Recently, my humor backfired – that wouldn’t be a first either, but this occasion was rather….special.

A lady came in and wanted me to do a home consultation. After going through the whole name-humor business, I took her details and arranged the time and date. It was all very congenial indeed. We chatted about her love for early mornings, which she shared with my husband who will tell you that I do definitely not share that love. All was well. We made our little play-date and away she went.

I had the next two days off. Ah, that was lovely! I returned to work to find the world somewhat on its head, as often happens while I’m gone. My ‘early mornings’ friend had apparently called and wanted to speak to Montgomery. "Oh! You’d like to speak to Corrianne? I’m afraid she isn’t here right now."

"What are you afraid of?" asked the customer.

"Why nothing. It’s just an expression."

The customer declared that this was all highly suspicious and that she no longer wanted me in her home if I was going under an assumed identity (Montgomery) if my real name was something else. She’d never be able to trust me in her home!

Now I’ve had my fair share of identity issues in the past, all of them blogged to the hilt, but I think this one rather takes the cake.

For the record, I now wear a name badge below my "Call me Monty" badge ;)

 
7 Comments

Posted by on May 25, 2014 in life, people, work

 

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Sombre tints

light dark

Every life has dark tracts and long stretches of sombre tint, and no representation is true to fact which dips its pencil only in light, and flings no shadows on the canvas.

~ Alexander MacLaren

 
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Posted by on October 27, 2013 in art, life, thought

 

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A crafty challenge

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Weaving bamboo

 
2 Comments

Posted by on March 23, 2013 in life

 

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I wish I were a…

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Lovely weather for ducks…. Day 5 of non-stop rain Mud bath…would that we were pigs. It may be fun then

 
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Posted by on March 22, 2013 in life

 

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Nurturing

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A young tree, ready to go out into the world

 
6 Comments

Posted by on March 21, 2013 in life

 
 
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