RSS

Category Archives: thought

A window into the darkness

g fa - alone

Some days I don’t need to try and life is good. Some days, it’s all I can do to just get out of bed and feed myself. Other days, with a little effort, I manage just fine and feel better for it. One of my biggest challenges is words. They are swirling in my mind constantly and keep me awake for hours at night, but the moment I try to put pen to paper or keyboard… it’s all gone. Blank. For someone who was a prolific writer and blogger, I now never write. Putting out one sentence for something like Facebook takes monumental effort, so I’m grateful to others who write.

A while ago, I stumbled on a poem by Hannah Nicole that very eloquently describes what I know many are feeling and experiencing.

Depression does not always mean
Beautiful girls shattering at the wrists
A glorified, heroic battle for your sanity
Or mothers that never got the chance to say good-bye

Sometimes depression means
Not getting out of bed for three days
Because your feet refuse to believe
That they will not shatter upon impact with the floor

Sometimes depression means
That summoning the willpower
To go downstairs and do the laundry
Is the most impressive thing you accomplish that week

Sometimes depression means
Lying on the floor staring at the ceiling for hours
Because you cannot convince your body
That it is capable of movement

Sometimes depression means
Not being able to write for weeks
Because the only words you have to offer the world
Are trapped and drowning and I swear to God I’m trying

Sometimes depression means
That every single bone in your body aches
But you have to keep going through the motions
Because you are not allowed to call in to work depressed

Sometimes depression means
Ignoring every phone call for an entire month
Because yes, they have the right number
But you’re not the person they’re looking for, not anymore

And yes, I have been guilty of avoiding answering the phone. I don’t do that anymore, but I’ve been there… when my heart was too full and my mind was dark with no windows to the outside.

 
8 Comments

Posted by on September 10, 2015 in life, poetry, thought

 

Tags: ,

I believe

reincarnation - sara broski
Art by Sara Broski. I loved her work! Very whimsical.
Do click on the image to see more.

 

This is a repost of one of my earlier blogs. I have been going through my old data on my hard drive and this post struck me as pertinent to the changes in my life right now.

Reincarnation is a belief that seems to fly in the face of creation, but then, according to many, so does the whole evolution and dinosaurs belief. There are so many varying beliefs founded on man’s desire to know why, when and how. Does it really matter? This blog isn’t on religious belief, though it is a topic I enjoy discussing on occasion. Note that I said ‘discussing’, not ranting, postulating, temper-tantruming or throwing rotten eggs over. What my beliefs are, are not the point here, though I’m inclined to say, "Who really knows?" In short, I believe it is all possible. Yes, every single last bit of it and I think that the sooner people look at each other with a desire to understand the beliefs of others, we’ll find that to be true.

But… this is about reincarnation and possibly a little evolution, possibly a dinosaur or two… and yes, creation. I’m not sure why I chose these words beyond that they seem to be appropriate to my thoughts.

As I see it, we’ve all been reincarnated in one form or another. We’re all evolving, ever-changing, growing. We came into this life as a lump of (rather cute) clay, each one of us with unique moulding properties, ready to be formed or moulded. Those who’ve worked with clay will know there are some clays which mould far easier than others, some which are prone to cracking and others which hold up rather well under adverse conditions.

As we go through life, we all encounter change. Usually, it’s an evolution or growth period. Circumstances force us to adapt and adapt we do. The human spirit is remarkably strong, usually far stronger than we think it is while going through those rough times.

Ah… then there are times when life simply whips the carpet out of under our feet and we crash. A phoenix-like rebirth is the only option open. We scrape together the ashes and pieces of our soul and drag ourselves up again – some times better than others.

There are also times we choose to reincarnate ourselves. This is what I was thinking about today. For myself, I’m at a point where I’m once again evaluating where I am and what I can do to better myself. There are so many things I want to change that it’s more of a reincarnation, rather than an evolution. I like the fact that a reincarnation seems quicker than an evolution too.

So… reincarnate, I will, assuming I can persuade the dinosaurs of my old belief systems, experiences and perceptions not to stomp all over my attempts.

 

Technorati Tags: ,,
 
1 Comment

Posted by on January 2, 2015 in spiritual, thought

 

Tags: , ,

I love you

great love

I saw an article on Twitter on loving your cancer: http://omtimes.com/2014/08/loving-cancer-good-health/ My knee-jerk reaction was, “Are you crazy??” Love… I mean… Love something that has the potential to kill me or at the very least cause me a whole lot of misery? Love? Ok, so I read the article and it was good. More thoughts on that later.

My nightly research, wandering, link-hopping led me on a further path that had this love theme coming up regularly. My dear friend, Michelle, gave me the link to some music, which took me to Youtube and, being the compulsive link-clicker I am, I was soon going on to other related music. One link led to another and I found myself revisiting Ho’oponopono. Ho’oponopono is a Hawaiian practice of forgiveness and love. There is a lot to it, but, in short, it is a prayer you recite with healing intention:

I’m sorry
I love you
Please forgive me
Thank you

This prayer can be directed at any one or any thing. At no time does it mean you condone the ‘wrong’ that’s been done. This is also no pat, meaningless apology, just heartfelt love and a letting go of all negative emotions relating to the person, event, thing – or yourself. Yes, you could say it to yourself or parts of yourself.

I’ve used this prayer before, though very rarely. To be honest, I usually forget it exists. Once, I had a confrontation with a colleague at work. The next day, I dreaded going to work fully expecting a continuation of the confrontation – I don’t do confrontation very well – as the situation hadn’t been resolved the day before. In my flurry of tension over the situation, I decided to do some Ho’oponopono. I, rather dramatically, held my hand over my heart, focussed on the colleague and recited the prayer a few times. Arriving at work, the colleague couldn’t have been nicer. She apologised! She also explained why she’d acted the way she had. Now I don’t know if what happened was a result of the Ho’oponopono or just co-incidence. I’m going to choose to believe my little forgiveness ritual had its desired effect. I’ve used it since on other situations and had good effect. It may well just be because of my own mental state being altered. That’s also good.

Going through my mailbox a little later, a sentence jumped out at me, “What’s wrong with you?” It’s what we’re asked when something’s out of place. Or simply a “What’s wrong?” There’s so much negativity and fear in those words. It’s something that’s been brought home to me over and over with this cancer deal. Fear. Negativity. The doctor’s tone dropped to indicate severity. It was all over his voice and body language long before he got the words out, which were also negative, “I’m afraid I have to give you the news…” Why afraid? Why all the fear around cancer? Oh I can understand the fear! I can understand the anger, nay, the rage. I can understand the upset. But that’s the whole problem with sickness in our society. It’s wrapped up in fear because we aren’t in control of our bodies. We’ve handed that control over to the medical institutions and the supermarkets.

Today, I choose to take back control. I choose to love this thing that’s teaching me so much – ok, I’ll at least try. I choose to forgive my body for betraying me and this tumour for turning my life upside down. I choose to love my body and give it what it needs, treating it well. I choose to make mindful choices with what I put into my body. It’s my home, after all, and the vessel I will live in for many years to come. In moving into a home, I like to paint it a bright colour and make it beautiful, choosing my furnishings carefully. Why not with my body?

So, to this cancer I say…

I’m sorry
I love you
Please forgive me
Thank you

 
2 Comments

Posted by on September 23, 2014 in cancer, healing, thought

 

Tags: , , , ,

I’m no optimist

A dear friend, in fact, a few friends, called me an optimist. The lady overseeing my case at the hospital also ‘admired’ my optimism. Here’s the crunch though… I’m not an optimist. Jurgis will tell you that. I’m often the one that sees where the problem in something may be. I’m definitely not a pessimist though. I consider myself to be a realist. I’ll see where the problems are and choose to look at the solutions. That, I think, is the important part, the choices I make and where they lead me. Yes, they do lead me to come across as an optimist because my “On the bright side…” outlook is a Choice.

After my diagnosis, I set about working on complete mind/body healing. You’ve by now seen my previous blog on the nutritional changes I made. This part isn’t so much a case of ‘changes’, as it’s mostly stuff I’ve been doing all along, as a case of intensifying that work.

As an introduction, if you have 20 minutes to spare, do watch this video. Dr Lissa Rankin puts it much better than I ever can…. the mind/body connection and our innate ability to heal ourselves. It was that intuition I listened to when I told them I would prefer not to have surgery or chemo.

Here are some of the modalities I’ve used in the past and am now using to heal my mind and my body…

Affirmations: Every night, as I go to sleep – in fact, this is what I did while undergoing the bone and CT scans – I recite affirmations. Back in Brazil, I recorded one and I play this to myself on my phone whenever I need to stop and take a ‘breath’. “All is well. Everything is working out for my highest good. Out of this situation only good will come. I am well. I am healed and healthy. I am happy.” There is more. This is just a snippet. I go from that into a number of gratitude affirmations.

EFT: Emotional Freedom Technique – you can read more about it here: I practice EFT on my way to work every day. EFT helped me with the sheer emotional overwhelm that came with the cancer diagnosis and helped me work on the emotional issues that led up to my getting cancer when there is no apparent family history of cancer. I don’t need to tell you that our emotions and our health are linked very closely. Each day, whenever I thought of it, I’d tap on my weak immune system and the safe and painless flushing of toxins from my body. I’d also tap on any other issues I had as they came up.

One night, shortly after my diagnosis, I revisited an old therapy I’d used before, TAT. Click here to learn more. TAT seems very simplistic, but it’s very powerful (just like EFT). The idea behind TAT, as with EFT, is to clear the past (even historical) events and/or traumas relating to a condition. Either way, I used TAT on the cancer. Like many, I had a huge number of fears around the word and a few traumatic experiences where I’d been exposed to close friends who’ve died of the disease. After doing TAT, I went to sleep as normal, but had a dream. On waking up from that dream, I knew, with absolute certainty, that I’d be clear of cancer in 3 months. It wasn’t a belief, but a knowledge.

After the TAT and my initial rounds of EFT, I found that all the emotional charge related to the word ‘cancer’ was completely gone. When hearing or saying the word, I may as well have been talking about an annoying pimple. It’s still like that. When people react to my diagnosis with alarm, I find myself wondering… what is this drama you speak of and wanting to comfort them, as they seem so upset by it.

Every night, if I shower (no, no…. get that thought out of your head… of course I bathe daily!), I listen to grounding music. I have a few meditations that ‘ground’ me to the healing powers our our Earth. It makes visualising the healing energy that is around me doing its work. If I bath, I have meditations that allow me to heal as I’m lying there in my bicarbonate of soda (‘baking soda’ to my American friends) and breathing exercises that help oxygenate my body and cells.

Another practice that I don’t do nearly often enough, is Qigong. It’s best described as “the art and science of using breathing techniques, gentle movement, and meditation to cleanse, strengthen, and circulate the life energy (qi)”.

Back in Brazil, Jurgis developed a large mole on the side of his head. This mole grew very rapidly and got very much darker. It went from a tiny spot to a large area almost an inch in length. I was worried enough to photograph it to see how it was changing. If it changed any further, we’d agreed that he needed to see doctor to get it cut out. When I next checked his mole, it was gone… not even a trace. I now have before and after photos. Jurgis just decided that it wasn’t welcome and he told the mole just that. Then, he put it out of his mind and went about his life. The mole vanished.

Such is the power of the mind. Such is the power that I am using on this cancer.

 
3 Comments

Posted by on September 16, 2014 in cancer, healing, thought

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

Of strength and courage

It takes strength to stand strong in the face of your challenges, however big or small they are. Today, the 16th of December, is an auspicious day for me and my family. In South Africa, it’s known as the Day of Reconciliation – more on that later – but we know it as the Day of the Vow.

lagerPhoto by Peter Thomas

My old friend Peter sums up the happenings of the original Day of the Vow or Day of the Covenant on his site. There are many more sites that give the history of that day from various perspectives. This blog is not intended to recount history or morals or right vs. wrong in any way. It’s a remembrance of my ancestors, what they went through and what we’ve been through and the lessons we can carry from that.

On that day, so long ago, a group of a few hundred Voortrekkers (pioneers) came face to face with over 10 000 Zulu warriors. The Voortrekkers made a laager from their ox wagons and defeated the Zulus, killing more than 3000 men, while, of the Voortrekkers, only 3 were lightly injured. As I said before, I’m not going into the rights and wrongs of the battle. The lesson to be learned here, for me, is one of unity and strength and courage. It took great courage and strength to pack their worldly goods into a wagon and trek across country, over mountains, rivers and lands where they would most certainly be attacked. Alone, we need strength and courage to face our challenges, but banding together… as families, as friends, as communities, we can do great things!

Much, much later, South Africa renamed this day to Day of Reconciliation. It’s a day that was created on the foundation of the Day of the Vow to reconcile the people of South Africa and to create a day of unity and healing. The men who came together to create this new day displayed courage and strength. It takes continued courage and strength for the people of South Africa to build on that dream of reconciliation.

When we think of courage and strength, it’s often in times of great strife and ‘war’ with our challenges. Certainly, those are times we need to call on what courage we have and to be strong. Sometimes, just standing up and doing what we believe to be right takes even more courage and strength. Sometimes, the daily grind of living takes even more.

Way back, my ancestors, at one point, were kicked off their farm, which was burnt to the ground by the British. The men were political prisoners and the women and children were put into concentration camps. When they came out, they lived for a time under an oak tree, baking their daily bread in an earth-oven. Yes, they had strength and they had courage. I like to believe that we’ve inherited that strength.

 
1 Comment

Posted by on December 16, 2013 in genealogy, history, thought

 

Tags: , , , , , ,

Tis the season

image

The frost on the ground that stubbornly wouldn’t melt in the weak sun was enough reason to assume winter had arrived.

Warm smiles and “I love you”s melted the frost in my heart as I started the day. It’s going to be a grand week, don’t you think?

 
6 Comments

Posted by on November 4, 2013 in seasons, thought

 

Tags: ,

Sombre tints

light dark

Every life has dark tracts and long stretches of sombre tint, and no representation is true to fact which dips its pencil only in light, and flings no shadows on the canvas.

~ Alexander MacLaren

 
1 Comment

Posted by on October 27, 2013 in art, life, thought

 

Tags: , , , , , ,

 
The Druid's Garden

Spiritual Journeys in Tending the Land, Permaculture, Wildcrafting, and Regenerative Living

Purple Herbal

Sharing My Passion For Nature With The World

Furious Curious Cancer Survivor

I would have beaten any type of cancer

The imperfect cooks

Just another WordPress.com weblog

Solaris

Welcome to the real world

Forest and Fungi

Part of my journey to contribute to a more beautiful world...

tywyllseren

Musings From an Alternate Universe

cancer killing recipe

Just another WordPress.com site

Speaking in Symbols

Learning the language of the subconcious

The Happy Living People Project

Smile! You’re at the best WordPress.com site ever

Bonofa 'The Future is Now'

The greatest WordPress.com site in all the land!

Ian Waldick

The Adventures of an Irish Farmer

Hiking Photography

Beautiful photos of hiking and other outdoor adventures.

Rolbos ©

Living the life of the common people.

The Millennium Conjectures™

A Blog of the Ridiculous and Sublime, by Mark Sackler

Civilizations-End.com

Be Prepared- a simple mans idea's

Whispering Earth

Nature patiently waits and we have only to turn back to her to find relief from our suffering - Dr Bach

Otrazhenie

Reflection

biocreativity

art. biology. creativity. science. design. nature.

Some Wonderland

Not Alice's kind of wonderland