I’m tired. Truly tired. I’ve just realised why I love working so much. It takes me out of myself and gives me a break from the incessant thoughts that are running havoc through my mind. I’m so tired of looking at it and trying to decide if it looks better or worse than yesterday. I’m tired of the constant research, looking for the next ‘magic pill’ or having to decide whether x is good for me or bad for me or only good under certain circumstances or measured quantities.
Heading to the kitchen for another lunch of sweet potato and broccoli – thank goodness I love eating those – I broke down. It’s moments like these when I almost want to go to the doctors and just let them do their thing. At least all the decision-making and responsibility will be taken out of my hands. I know that is why people do it. It’s just so much easier to let someone take over. Oh to have someone who can do that… a bit like the motherly neighbour who bustles in with a “Never mind love, let me do it.” The trouble with that is that I’d then feel guilty and, you know, guilt is another sick-creator. Positive is healing. Negative is a downward spiral that ends in hospital wards.
Not to worry. I’ll be over this soon, the mood, that is. The rest? I don’t know.
“The more you ask how far you have to go, the longer your journey seems”
… which reminds me of a blog I wrote a time ago and a lesson learnt on a hot walk in Mossel Bay. I can’t find the blog now and more’s the pity. I could do with that lesson. In a nutshell, I was carrying a number of bags on a long walk and the woman with me (who was carrying far more) said that the faster we walk, the quicker we’d get there and be able to rest. It was far more profound and memorable than the way I’ve managed to put it here, but you get the idea.
I did, however, while hunting for the blog I was after, find this…
"We’re a quarter of the way through the year. I’m pretty much half-way through my life. In terms of my dreams and goals, the clock is ticking – very loudly. My life so far has been one of revving engines, tyres spinning in mud, occasionally moving a few inches ahead, even more occasionally moving ahead by a couple of feet – very often just sinking further into the mire.
My tendency to find humour in life has been a survival tactic. If I don’t, the misery and, yes, bitterness may just swallow me up. Like many take a pill against what ails them, I take smiles, laughter and positive snippets daily, sometimes hourly. It’s my ‘silver bullet’ against melancholy."
It seems, though my life has changed beyond recognition… there are some things that never change :)